{"id":17432,"date":"2021-11-23T10:10:04","date_gmt":"2021-11-23T18:10:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/?p=17432"},"modified":"2021-11-23T10:11:31","modified_gmt":"2021-11-23T18:11:31","slug":"health-couple-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/blog\/uncategorized\/health-couple-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Health in Couple Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"
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When it comes to romantic love and lasting relationships, John Gottman, Ph.D., is a true pioneer. Not only is Gottman a professor at the University of Washington and a best-selling author, but also a true scientist of relationships. Since 1994 he has studied couples, specifically tracking behaviors, communication, patterns, and the \u2018whats\u2019 and the \u2018hows\u2019 that go into fighting. From the couples he studies in his ‘love lab,’ Gottman is able to predict (with 90% accuracy) which couples will remain together and which couples will break up. Interestingly, the determining factors of breaking up have less to do with how often couples fight or the issues they fight about and more to do with how they go about the fighting process<\/i>. Gottman identified 4 distinct behaviors that are relationship killers, regardless of the issue at hand. These four behaviors tend to demoralize and destroy partners over time, preventing couples from feeling safe or respected in order to address the issues before them. Consider these four behaviors, as well as the possible alternatives, and see if there are places your relationship might improve!<\/p>\n

The Four Relationship Killers<\/u><\/b><\/p>\n

1. Criticism-<\/b>\u00a0repetitive complaints, negative evaluations or judgments, blaming, nagging, using sarcasm in ways that demean, or speaking with emotional charge regarding a partner\u2019s actions, character, or way of being. Criticism frequently begins with: \u201cYou always,\u201d or \u201cYou never,\u201d or \u201cI am so darn tired of the way you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

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A possible alternative to criticism:\u00a0“Softened Start-Up”<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Softened Start Up<\/b>\u00a0is an incredible skill that goes a long way. It means to\u00a0say what is needed, but with kindness, respect, calmness and with \u201cI\u201d statements. This usually helps one’s partner listen better and be more willing.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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EXAMPLE: \u201cJoe, do you have a quick minute? I wanted to share something that was hard for me. When you were late, I got really worried and scared. Did you know that? It would mean so much to me if we both could be more timely. Thanks for hearing me out.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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2. Contempt-<\/b>\u00a0criticism bolstered by hostility or disgust. It includes insults, jabs, attacks, mocking, talking down to, rolling one\u2019s eyes, name-calling, or belligerence. Contempt usually feels humiliating, demoralizing, mean, devious, or obliterating.<\/p>\n

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A possible alternative to contempt: “<\/b>Repairing The Conversation”\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Repairing the Conversation<\/b> is making an effort to de-escalate negative feelings DURING difficult encounters instead of amplifying them with contempt. A repair might be a deep breath and slowing down. It might also include an apology, a smile, a request, setting a boundary, or even a bit of humor. It can also help to remind yourself of your partner\u2019s positive qualities and that they are trying too. Contempt usually covers over deeper hurts or needs, making it more unlikely they will be addressed.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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EXAMPLE: During a fight, one might say, \u201cI am really angry right now that you are confronting me for being late. I need to take 20-30 minutes to breathe and calm down, so I can be constructive and helpful in this conversation. I can see you are really trying too. Can we give this a break for now and circle back later tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Defensiveness- <\/b>counterattacks to maintain one\u2019s innocence, level the playing field or avoid taking responsibility when one feels blamed, made wrong, or attacked themselves. Defensiveness may take the form of pointing out what another did wrong, justifications, making cross-complaints, or rationalizing why one\u2019s actions were okay.<\/p>\n

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A possible alternative to defensiveness:<\/b> “Accepting Influence”<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Accepting Influence is when partners practice being open to persuasion from each other and include their partner’s perspective along with their\u00a0own. This is the opposite of being rigid, domineering, \u2018right,\u2019 or stubborn. It is about accepting the other\u2019s perceptions and blending them with one\u2019s own, so there is give and take,\u00a0instead of right and wrong.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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EXAMPLE: \u201cI can see that being on time is really important to you and that my support would help. I will make an effort for timeliness to be more of a priority.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Stonewalling-<\/b>\u00a0rigidly withdrawing or shutting others out, offering no verbal or physical cues, often for lengthy periods of time. Stonewalling is often used to avoid conflict, convey disapproval, or create distance and separation.<\/p>\n

A possible alternative to stonewalling:<\/b> Turning Toward Your Partner<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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close relationships consist of a series of \u2018emotional bids\u2019 – essentially reaching for emotional connection through comments, questions, touch or facial gestures. When this occurs, we have 3 choices: we can turn away (withdraw\/get silent), turn toward (lean in\/listen) or fight against (argue\/blame). Research shows that consistently being able to turn toward your partner strengthens relationships.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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EXAMPLE: \u201cBeing late is really difficult for me to talk about but I can see that it is important. Would it work if we talk about it for 10-15 minutes, and then return to it over the weekend if needed? I don\u2019t want to discard it but I also want to remain centered and not overwhelmed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romantic love is among the hardest things we will ever do, being both the source of our greatest joy and also our greatest distress. Equipping ourselves with tools to navigate romantic love can greatly ease that distress. To learn more, please visit www.gottman.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When it comes to romantic love and lasting relationships, John Gottman, Ph.D., is a true pioneer. Not only is Gottman a professor at the University of Washington and a best-selling author, but also a true scientist of relationships. Since 1994 he has studied couples, specifically tracking behaviors, communication, patterns, and the \u2018whats\u2019 and the \u2018hows\u2019 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":198,"featured_media":17440,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[425,1],"tags":[505,3145,3144],"yst_prominent_words":[2223,1992],"class_list":["post-17432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-think","category-uncategorized","tag-health","tag-love","tag-relationship"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/198"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17432"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17432\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17440"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17432"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.premierfitnesscamp.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=17432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}